Iron Maiden VS Tokio Hotel

I’m loathe to admit it, but I’m a bit of a regular in the Japan section of Yahoo Answers. It started as a way to pass the time when I was having bad insomnia, but grew into a habit. I’d wake up at three or four in the morning and have a few hours before dawn to kill, so I would answer questions that people asked about moving here or visiting, immigration procedures, customs, food, whatever.

In the Japan group, you get questions from people of all ages, kids wanting some fact for an assignment, people wondering if they will be able to survive here if they’re vegetarians, people who live here and are looking for a place to get some special thing from back home. Most of the questions are pretty basic, the kind of stuff that they could figure out themselves if the had ever heard of Google, but many people want to have a real person answer their question specifically. It’s not a bad way to kill some time, actually.

A few times a day, you get really annoying questions though. People who ask over and over how much a quantity of dollars is worth in yen, or in some cases, they ask about a German pop group called “Tokio Hotel.”

Tokio Hotel is one of those bands that young teenagers listen to, all hair and makeup, led by a pair of german boys called the Kaulitz Twins, who are, according to their fans “the greatest living musical geniuses” and “the best band evarr.”

While I would never deny a young girl her right to have a crush on a boy band, they have absolutely nothing to do with Japan. Their fans, however, often think it best to spurt their enthusiasm in the Japan group, so in one case, I decided to have a bit of fun. The question, (if you could call it that,) came in the form of a very short, very vague few words:

Iron Maiden VS Tokio Hotel?

I decided to delve into it a bit. I’m no Iron Maiden fan, but I’ve certainly heard of them, so I fired up Wikipedia and a few of their fan sites, to see who they were and what might happen if they were pitted against the boys of “Tokio Hotel.” Here’s what I came up with:

Fascinating question!

It comes down to the classic conflict between youth and age. “Tokio Hotel” are young, so that could be an advantage, since the current lineup of Iron Maiden are basically really old. Dave Murray is about 52 and has pretty skinny arms, but I think he could easily take out Bill and Tom Kaulitz, probably with little effort, since they are basically built like a couple of 12 year old girls.

Nicko McBrain is even older, 56, but the guy is a total badass and could make the members of Tokio Hotel cry, just by making a scary face at them. If he actually shouted, they’d pee themselves. The thing is, McBrain became a Christian in 1999 and wouldn’t do such a thing to a group so weak and helpless as T.H.

Bruce Dickinson (now 50) used to be pretty messed up, but he got disgusted with himself after drunkenly eating leftovers from random trays in, get this, a Tokyo hotel (no lie) that he cleaned up his act, became a jet pilot and recently rescued 200 people stranded in Egypt, not to be confused with the time he flew a 747 full of soldiers out of Afghanistan.

Believe me: You Do Not Want To Mess With This Guy.

So, I think it would be no contest. To win any battle, you need to take out the leaders and that’s definitely Tokio Hotel’s weakest point.

The Kaulitz twins wear wigs, makeup and nail polish and exist only to tap into the lucrative demographic of gender-confused young people.

If you eliminated the Kaulitz Twins, there’d be no band. (Nobody cares about the other two guys or even knows their names.)

Iron Maiden, on the other hand, has shown their ability to survive any change. They’ve had at least ten members, including five different lead singers. They had hits that were already oldies when the members of Tokio Hotel were in diapers. You just can’t kill Iron Maiden.

Tokio Hotel, on the other hand are one bad hair day away from falling apart as a band. Even though I just watched a video of theirs on YouTube moments ago, I can’t remember anything about it, except thinking that they must be idiots to leap *up* when jumping from a helicopter.

In five years, nobody will admit to ever having been into Tokio Hotel, while Iron Maiden is still as amazing as ever after 32 years.

So, if it came down to it and they actually did get together to fight, Iron Maiden would crush Tokio Hotel into the worthless little heap of weeping little boys that they are.

By the way, your question has nothing to do with this section of Yahoo! Answers.

I wish I had never heard of this band, but since people keep talking about them here, unfortunately I do.

Tokyo in One Day

Over on Yahoo Answers, someone asked the following question:

“If you had one free day in Tokyo what would you do hour by hour from 5am until midnight?!??”

Here’s my answer, which should be useful to anyone wandering in from Google:

At 5:00, go to Tsukiji fish market, it’s in full swing then. Afterwards, go just outside the market and have a breakfast of sushi and a beer. It’s kind of a tradition.

Next, walk over to Ginza and check that out. Stores might be starting to open, but it doesn’t matter because the clothes won’t fit and you can’t afford the watches. ;-)

Take a short walk to Yurakucho. It’s next to Ginza and sort of interesting.

I’d guess it will be about 9:30 or 10:00 AM at this point. You could head to Akihabara and check that out. It’s all electronics, manga, anime, cosplay maid café, geeks, otaku heaven. Good to go at least once, even if you’re not into that kind of stuff.

From Akihabara, head a couple stops to Ueno and check out Ameyayokocho. It was once the black market after the war, now a big bazaar style market. Ueno park and the zoo are nice if the weather is good, but basically they’re just a park and a zoo.

Hop on the train again and head to Harajuku. If it’s the weekend, wander around the bridge and take pictures of the cosplay freak girls for a little while and then head down to Omotesando. (Just walk down the hill towards the Gap store. Wander, stroll, soak it all in and then head to Fujimama’s for a burger. You’ll want to get a good comfy chair in the front where you can watch the people go by and rest a bit.

Order a second bloody mary and curse yourself for carrying a heavy backpack filled with a GPS, two Lonely Planet guides, an iPhone that doesn’t work here, the power brick for your laptop, all the lenses you own for your heavy DSLR, none of which you’ll use that day, and a bottle of warm water. Better yet, when you head out, carry nothing but a paper map and a pocket digital camera.

After Fujimama’s, cross the big street and wander the back streets of Harajuku until you find Takeshita dori, which means “Jailbait Street” and follow that up to the train station again and head to Shibuya. Have your picture taken in front of Hachiko, the bronze dog statue. Why? no one knows. It’s a good place to chat up cute girls, though, before their boyfriends show up and drag them away, scowling at you. Repeat as necessary. Walk over to the big crossing where they did that scene in the rain from Lost in Translation and walk up the street just to the left of the Starbucks. That’s Centergai. Lots of people.

wander around there.

At this point you’ll be seriously crashing with jet lag. Head back to your hotel and catch a shower, take a nap, marvel at how bad Japanese television is, or, hopefully get to know that girl you met at Hachiko a lot better.

When you’re rested, head out to Shinjuku. Find Kabukicho and wander around, looking for hookers and yakuza. Try not to get too close to either. Don’t go to any of the places that the West Africans will try to drag you in to, but if you must, hide your credit cards and only pay cash. Mostly they’re ripoff places with a few bored Filipina girls in cheap slinky dresses asking you to buy them $20 drinks.

Instead, find “Ramen Jiro” and have the hugest, most amazing bowl of ramen you could ever imagine, or find the little crazy Chinese place called “Shanghai” down the tiny, 1 meter wide alley. You can get dog there, if you ask. (You won’t get it if you don’t.)

Find Goldengai just east of Kabukicho and wander the alleys and little tiny 10-seat bars until you find one that will let you in. “Nana” is good, as is Araku, an Australian bar down the first alley, on the second floor above 10CC. It’s bigger than most, welcoming to foreigners. Don’t go to Champions, the place just at the entrance to Goldengai. Horrible place with drunk Germans singing that stupid Oasis song on Karaoke.

At this point, you should be running back to your hotel.

That about covers everything. You could swap Roppongi for Shinjuku, but not if you care where you wake up. I sort of hate Roppongi anyway—too many foreigners.

Enjoy the trip.