Iron Maiden VS Tokio Hotel

I’m loathe to admit it, but I’m a bit of a regular in the Japan section of Yahoo Answers. It started as a way to pass the time when I was having bad insomnia, but grew into a habit. I’d wake up at three or four in the morning and have a few hours before dawn to kill, so I would answer questions that people asked about moving here or visiting, immigration procedures, customs, food, whatever.

In the Japan group, you get questions from people of all ages, kids wanting some fact for an assignment, people wondering if they will be able to survive here if they’re vegetarians, people who live here and are looking for a place to get some special thing from back home. Most of the questions are pretty basic, the kind of stuff that they could figure out themselves if the had ever heard of Google, but many people want to have a real person answer their question specifically. It’s not a bad way to kill some time, actually.

A few times a day, you get really annoying questions though. People who ask over and over how much a quantity of dollars is worth in yen, or in some cases, they ask about a German pop group called “Tokio Hotel.”

Tokio Hotel is one of those bands that young teenagers listen to, all hair and makeup, led by a pair of german boys called the Kaulitz Twins, who are, according to their fans “the greatest living musical geniuses” and “the best band evarr.”

While I would never deny a young girl her right to have a crush on a boy band, they have absolutely nothing to do with Japan. Their fans, however, often think it best to spurt their enthusiasm in the Japan group, so in one case, I decided to have a bit of fun. The question, (if you could call it that,) came in the form of a very short, very vague few words:

Iron Maiden VS Tokio Hotel?

I decided to delve into it a bit. I’m no Iron Maiden fan, but I’ve certainly heard of them, so I fired up Wikipedia and a few of their fan sites, to see who they were and what might happen if they were pitted against the boys of “Tokio Hotel.” Here’s what I came up with:

Fascinating question!

It comes down to the classic conflict between youth and age. “Tokio Hotel” are young, so that could be an advantage, since the current lineup of Iron Maiden are basically really old. Dave Murray is about 52 and has pretty skinny arms, but I think he could easily take out Bill and Tom Kaulitz, probably with little effort, since they are basically built like a couple of 12 year old girls.

Nicko McBrain is even older, 56, but the guy is a total badass and could make the members of Tokio Hotel cry, just by making a scary face at them. If he actually shouted, they’d pee themselves. The thing is, McBrain became a Christian in 1999 and wouldn’t do such a thing to a group so weak and helpless as T.H.

Bruce Dickinson (now 50) used to be pretty messed up, but he got disgusted with himself after drunkenly eating leftovers from random trays in, get this, a Tokyo hotel (no lie) that he cleaned up his act, became a jet pilot and recently rescued 200 people stranded in Egypt, not to be confused with the time he flew a 747 full of soldiers out of Afghanistan.

Believe me: You Do Not Want To Mess With This Guy.

So, I think it would be no contest. To win any battle, you need to take out the leaders and that’s definitely Tokio Hotel’s weakest point.

The Kaulitz twins wear wigs, makeup and nail polish and exist only to tap into the lucrative demographic of gender-confused young people.

If you eliminated the Kaulitz Twins, there’d be no band. (Nobody cares about the other two guys or even knows their names.)

Iron Maiden, on the other hand, has shown their ability to survive any change. They’ve had at least ten members, including five different lead singers. They had hits that were already oldies when the members of Tokio Hotel were in diapers. You just can’t kill Iron Maiden.

Tokio Hotel, on the other hand are one bad hair day away from falling apart as a band. Even though I just watched a video of theirs on YouTube moments ago, I can’t remember anything about it, except thinking that they must be idiots to leap *up* when jumping from a helicopter.

In five years, nobody will admit to ever having been into Tokio Hotel, while Iron Maiden is still as amazing as ever after 32 years.

So, if it came down to it and they actually did get together to fight, Iron Maiden would crush Tokio Hotel into the worthless little heap of weeping little boys that they are.

By the way, your question has nothing to do with this section of Yahoo! Answers.

I wish I had never heard of this band, but since people keep talking about them here, unfortunately I do.